hOW tO bUY A bOOK

What to Do:

• Enter the bookshop confidently, make eye contact, accept cups of tea.
• Don't break wind. A bookshop is a quiet environment.
• There are lots of new authors around, more than ever before it seems. Give them a chance - one day it could be you one day, or writing for someone like you.
• Ignore the:
  • Cover. Although there are some covers which you would not want to be seen with in public, remember that the design is dictated more by fashion and marketing than anything described in the book.
  • Blurb. This is the text on the back cover. Not only may this put you off a fine read, it can also give away all the major plot points in advance.
  • Strapline. This is a quote like "In space no-one can hear you scream". One of the silliest I have seen is "No-one sleeps when Stephen Laws writes", so obviously we should buy him a less scratchy pen.
  • Quote from Stephen King. Oh yes, I really believe he churns out doorstop-sized horror tomes and has time to read all the new titles before they're published. Notice he never says "Avoid this book like the plague".
• Open the book in the middle, and read a few paragraphs. If you like the style, that's great. If you laugh, fantastic. If the characters seem real and the dialogue doesn't grate, fine. If not, put the book back and try another.
• Buy it NOW. Don't rely on swanning back into the shop in a couple of weeks and finding the book still there, because someone else will snap it up and you may never find it again, even using a rare booksearch service.
• That's it.

bOOKS i cOULDN'T fINISH

The above advice did not stop me acquiring and trying to read these:

CRASH by J. G. Ballard

Yes, one of my favourite authors, but this masturbatory fantasy was obviously all too highly enjoyable for Ballard. I noted the dissolute lives of the characters, appreciated the (brilliantly described) fetishistic detail of human and machine surfaces and fluids interfacing, but it didn't turn me on, I thought it was disgusting. Sorry, Jim. Whatever your message was, I didn't get to it.

NAUSEA by Jean-Paul Sartre

Just checked some other reviews on the web and apparently there is some weird new hope at the end. Well, I didn't get as far as that because Nausea is just so bloody depressing. I felt nauseous trying to carry on sometimes and I persevered for a year or so. I had never left a book unfinished before so I had to carry on and find out why. On the face of it there is nothing much to this book, there is his mate the "autodidact" at the library and some woman he is pursuing, but his solipsist viewpoint and philosophy just got me down so much. Brilliant, I suppose, but it could put you off existentialism for life which may not be a bad thing.

THE METAPHYSICS OF ETHICS by Immanuel Kant

And why not. Even though this book is slim, I didn't get very far. It's in English but I couldn't understand a word of it. I look forward to the Ladybird version, or even the Dummy's Guide. Bloody philosophers!